Um Your Hair is Nice?
by books4evah
Summary: Professor Burbage isn't completely right in the head. Which is why she sleeps for 40 minutes of her class, and then shouts, "MR. POTTER! WHY AREN'T YOU STROKING MISS EVANS' ARM?" Snape will never be the same.


Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

AN: To those of you waiting for Act IV of A Midsummer Night's Dream, sorry. I just had to do this! Part of this happened t me today in drama, and I had to use it! But, Act IV should be up by today.

**Um… Your Hair is Nice?**

Professor Burbage was feeling lazy today.

She was the Muggle Studies professor of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Usually, she was bright and perky, with everything ready, but not today. She had stayed up way too late last night, at the teacher's meeting, and simply hadn't the time to come up with a lesson plan.

Professor Burbage blamed it on Professor Slughorn.

He _always_ had to be ranting on about how he was just so well connected! It made Professor Burbage sick.

But, she supposed, it could also be blamed on Professor Flitwick. He was always completely unsure, and had to be filled in, _again_, about very two minutes. But, it could all very well be memory loss.

And then, Professor Binns didn't even listen! It took hours to get him to pay attention. And even then, he had to be filled in. Professor Burbage was shocked when he said he wasn't particularly interested in a topic of her picking.

And then, when she said this, McGonagall said that she came up with the idea! The nerve of her! Professor Burbage was so important, that even if she only approved of the idea, that it was hers!

Now, the only person who could have prevented this whole fuss, was Professor Dumbledore. But noooooo. Dumbledore just sat in the corner, and smiled, his damned eyes STILL twinkling, even with the furniture being thrown about! Hell, the damned wardrobe (picked up and thrown by McGonagall) came within _two inches_ of hitting his nose! And the couch actually hit the nose (how else did you think Dumbledore's nose broke?)! And he just sat there, eating popcorn, as Professor Burbage expected.

The glorious, almighty, all-powerful, beautiful, youthful, wonderful… Professor Burbage, as Professor Burbage likes to say.

Well, anyway, she lost countless beauty sleep. Thanks a lot.

And then, that Black boy (Sirius, I think his name is) had the nerve to charm water to fall upon her at two in the bloody morning! And nooooo, he doesn't let the water stop pouring down on you if you get back in bed.

So, Professor Burbage had, all in all, two hours of sleep.

Eventually, she entered the great hall, grumbling to herself about the horrors of the Black family.

When she noticed the other teachers all wet, she wondered what they had been doing.

Professor Sinistra took notice of Professor Burbage, and leaned over to ask, "Did Black get you too?"

Professor Burbage blinked. "Who did what?"

Professor Sinistra sighed. Professor Burbage wasn't much brighter than a burnt out bulb.

Professor Burbage heard the sigh, and asked, "What's the matter? Is it Horace? I know, he's looking awfully hot today!"

Professor Sinistra shook her head, and turned to have an actual intelligent conversation with McGonagall.

Professor Burbage sighed. Horace Slughorn (to her, obviously) was the HOTTEST thing to ever walk the planet! Especially dripping wet. Seeing him looking like he had just entered in a wet tee contest was like Christmas come early for her. She could just imagine pouring maple syrup over him, and-

The professor's thoughts were ended by her falling asleep- in her porridge bowl.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

James made his way to his first period, Muggle Studies.

He shuddered.

The professor was an idiot.

You see, James is a pureblood, and knows nothing about the muggle world. But, sometimes, he felt as if he could teach the class better than Burbage.

When he go there, he saw Lily sitting in the center of the first row. Looking around, he saw that there was barely anyone there.

Must have made it here early, he thought. Usually, he was late to Muggle Studies, as to spend as little possible time with Burbage. But then, he found out that Lily was in this class.

James would spend two- no, no- one week in a room with Burbage, just if Lily was in the room too. Two weeks was just too much. Who knows what Burbage could do to you, mentally in two weeks!

Well, the point is, James loves Lily.

He walked up suavely to Lily.

"Hey! Evans! Whatcha doing after class?"

Lily glared at him; James felt hi heart leap. She was looking in his direction!

"Walking to Charms. Where, if I must, I will report you for harassment, Potter."

"Why not report me here?"

"One word: Burbage."

"That was three."

But, still, James understood what she meant. Burbage wasn't quite right in the head. SO, if Lily reported him for harassment, Burbage would probably congratulate James.

"Go away!"

James sighed, spotted Remus in the back, and walked over.

"Yo, Moony! My man!"

"Taken a leaf from Sirius' book, have we?"

"Well, he does seem to get all the ladies."

"You do too."

"Not Evans. And Padfoot gets _every_ girl he wants."

"Well, has he ever tried getting Lily?"

"I see your point. Now, why isn't the smartest wizard in class sitting front and center?"

"Burbage."

" 'Nough said. 'Nough said."

"And the fact that if I did that, I'd be next to Lily. And if I sat next to Lily, you'd kill me, 'cause it wouldn't be you sitting next to Lily."

"Right."

So James sat down, and started staring at Lily. That was all he needed to keep him content.

Remus glanced at the drooling James in distaste, and then continued reading _Werewolves: Where to Find Them, and How to Tame Them._

A half hour later, Peter scurried in. He reached the back, and glanced around nervously.

"She's not here yet, is she?" he asked, timidly.

"No, why do you ask?"

"I don't want to be late!"

"Peter! You're a whole ten minutes early!"

"I am?"

"Yes."

"But- but- but-"

"Just spit it out, Peter."

"My clock said it was 10:15!"

Remus and James exchanged glances. "Sirius," they said together.

Nine minutes later, three seconds before the bell rang, everyone else was there. Except for Sirius.

Just as the bell, Sirius popped into his seat, with a loud crack. There were loud groans.

"Sirius! Not again!"

"Why can't they ban apparition in the school already!"

"I heard they were working on it."

"They have been, for a whole twenty years!"

"Idiots."

Sirius leaned back, and enjoyed the attention. He had turned seventeen a month into school, and was apparating _everywhere_. The others were plain peeved that they didn't get to sleep in as late.

The class just sat there for a while, seeing as Burbage hadn't shown up yet. They were quite happy. Hopefully, she wouldn't show up at all! They were better off without her.

Thirty minutes into the class period, Professor Sinistra showed up, mumbling something about having to take someone somewhere because she was the astronomy teacher, and therefore, had no morning classes.

She appeared to be levitating something. Her back came through the door first. She seemed to be repeatedly banging something on a wall outside, not caring at all.

She eventually got through, a hovering Burbage in tow.

"Sorry. Burbage fell into her porridge."

They continued in just sitting there, until Lily went up to wake up the professor.

When she did, Burbage jumped up, and screamed, "QUIET!! I AM THINKING AND SLEEPING! GO AWAY, IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR LIMBS!"

Lily backed up, as Burbage immediately fell back to her original position, and started snoring.

So, again, the class continued sitting there, in silence. Many students were throwing notes, and chewing gum. Some, like Lily, had opened up a book to read. Her friends, Marlene and Alice were imitating other professors, as Sirius flirted with Mary MacDonald, and Peter clapped in utter delight.

James waved a hand in front of Remus' face, interrupting him form the book he was reading.

"What?" he growled. He didn't like being interrupted while reading, especially not around his time of the month.

"Well, this might not be a good time, but for quite a while, I've been thinking about asking you on how to win over Lily. You seem to understand women."

Remus softened up. "Well, I suppose you have to grow up."

James stared at him.

"You should stop throwing yourself on her. She probably doesn't like it. Stop asking her out."

James paled considerably. "Basically, I have to stop liking her? 'Cause I can't do that!"

Remus shook his head. "No, no. You may like her, just admire her from afar. If not, she may never realize her feelings for you."

"She had feelings for me? Woohoo!"

"No! She may not have feelings for you, but if not, she'll be at least your friend."

James looked glum. "Well, I suppose."

"There is a chance, though, that she likes you."

At this, James brightened up considerably.

Ten minutes before the bell, Burbage stood up. "Class," she started. "Today, we shall have a mini unit on psychology. Anyone know what that is?"

Lily raised her hand. "The muggle study of the human brain."

"Excellent! Five points for Gryffindor. But, how do you know it? No one else did."

"Well, I'm a muggle born."

"And you're in this class? You live with muggles every summer!"

Lily mumbled something about seeing the point of view from the wizards.

"Well, anyways, since we have barely any time left, we will be doing an exercise. I want you to pair up."

James looked around. Remus had paired with Peter, and Sirius was partnered with Mary. In fact, everyone was partnered up, except for Lily.

Damn. James had resolved not to push himself onto her.

Apparently, Lily had seen this too, and walked up to him, red.

"Sorry," she began. "My Alice and Marlene paired up, and there's no one left."

James shrugged, and had a feeling that he was blushing too.

Burbage spoke again. "Now, partner A is the person with the darker clothes on."

James looked at himself, and Lily. Burbage had to be insane. They both had on school uniforms. But, Burbage wouldn't budge, so they did what everyone else was doing. Check the colors of their socks.

Lily had a bright emerald green, which matched her eyes. James had on dark blue socks.

"You," Lily said, pointedly.

Burbage continued. "Now, person A, stroke person B's arm."

James looked mortified. So did Lily.

James could not do that! It would violate the code he had made up fifteen minute ago!

So, instead, he looked around. Sirius seemed to be enjoying the fact that Mary was stroking his arm. Marlene had shrugged and reached over to stroke Alice's arm. Remus was looking quite stricken, as Peter was smiling madly as he was stroking Remus' arm.

"Excuse me, Mr. Potter," Burbage said. "STROKE EVANS' ARM!"

The whole classroom erupted into silent giggles, as James reached to Lily, and made brief contact with her skin.

"Alright now, continue that, while saying the meanest thing you can think of."

The others seemed to be doing it easily (especially Mary). But James couldn't think of a single fault with Lily. It was impossible to say a mean thing to her. So, he scrunched up his face in wondering, his arm slowly dropped.

"Now, person B, continually hit person A in the arm, while saying nice things to them."

Lily took to hitting James softly, as she used all of her power to think of something nice to say to James.

"Um… Your hair looks nice?"

Lily immediately stopped hitting James, to cover her mouth with her hand. She, Lily was never supposed to compliment James, especially not on his hair. It was Newton's fourth law! James jaw dropped in shock.

Burbage motioned for everyone to stop.

"Now, you may think this is weird. I understand. As the muggles have found out, your body does not like to contradict what you say. As you said the mean things, your stroking wasn't as frequent, some of you stopped all together! When you said the mean things, you didn't punch as hard, or as much."

The bell rang.

"You are dismissed."

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"How is that psychology?" Marlene pondered aloud, in the Charms classroom. "My mom's a Healer, and works in the section for loonies. She had to study psychology. That is not psychology…"

Marlene continued ranting on. Lily stopped listening. It was right before Charms, and they had all gathered in the Charms classroom.

Lily couldn't stop thinking about what happened last period.

She had been so mad when she was left without a partner. Now that she thought about it, she bet that Marlene and Alice were trying to get her left with Potter.

Little brats, with their stupid matchmaking.

But, when Burbage made him stroke her arm, he looked like h didn't want to at all.

Had it taken him only an hour to change his mind about her?

She had felt huge sparks when he stroked her arm. Did she like him?

NO! She couldn't! It was against Newton's fourth law!

But, laws could always change…

But, he had scrunched up his face when told to insult her, and removed his arm!

She knew it. Lily knew it. James didn't love her anymore. He hated her. Or was it just a joke, liking her, in the first place?

And why was she even thinking about this?

But, how come she, at first, felt a rush of opposition when Burbage told her to punch him? Normally, she would have done it in a heartbeat. But now…

Still, she was as sane as normal. She had barely been able to compliment Potter.

Then again, she did compliment his hair. Yet another thing going against Newton's fourth law! His wretched, messy, ugly, sexy hair!

Wait, what was that?

Ugh!! Lily could not deal with arguing with her self. She never lost anything, yet, here she was, losing an argument- with herself.

She was an embarrassment to mankind.

And probably James.

Why the bloody hell did he keep coming up?! She never cares about him!

AND WHY DID SHE KEEP SAYING HIS NAME?!

Lily took a minute to breath, and heard James talking to Frank Longbottom.

"You're lucky that you aren't in that class. I was partnered with Lily. And I had to stroke her arm, and-"

He shuddered. James Potter shuddered. When talking about Lily.

Lily should have been happy, but felt horrible. James didn't like her. And that was all that was going through her mind.

She stayed that way for a while, until Alice waved a hand in front of her face, "Are you drooling? You've been making weird faces for a while now."

Lily perked up, and continued listening to Marlene's rant.

But, she kept on wondering, what would it be like to kiss James?

00000000000000000000000000000 One Week Later 0000000000000000000000000000

Snape was sitting at the Slytherin table.

He was eating his food, and staring menacingly at Potter.

That was fun for him.

Pretty much all of the Slytherins did that.

He used to be into theater. He was all obsessed with Annie Get Your Gun, and Bye-Bye Birdie. He had actually starred in a Broadway production of The Sound of Music, as Lisel.

That was even more fun

But, then, the Slytherins had come and knocked sense into him.

They told him that staring menacingly at Gryffindors was much more productive.

So, he tired it.

And wha-da-ya know? Slytherins are actually right (1 of the time).

So, he was staring at Potter (menacingly, of course!), and had already slobbered a lot of food down his front.

Potter was laughing with his friends (no, Snape did not consider himself a stalker [though, everyone else does), as Evans came in.

You know, Evans is the love of Snape's life.

So, it was very much a surprise to him, when Evans grabbed the front of Potter's robes, pulled him up, and snogged him senseless.

A lot was running through Snape's teeny tiny brain at that point. The two prominent thoughts were:

_NOOOOOO!! NO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!! NOOOOOO…_

And

_Well, it looks like I'll have to move on to Avery. Or Mulciber?_

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Quirrell was in desperate need of a job.

So, he was on his way to Dumbledore, to seek a job, seeing as the old bat was so nice.

The prior Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was retiring that year, so Quirrell decided to see if he could take the job.

To him, teaching a bunch of snot-faced, bratty, little kids wasn't going to be that hard.

Obviously, he wasn't a seer. Because, if he was, then he would know it was those snot-face kids who would cause him to speak in a stutter later on in life. (To those who have the theory that vampires did it, psh… yeah right).

On his way to Dumbledore's office, he passed a room, labeled with peeling letters, 'Staff Lounge'. The door was slightly opened, and Quirrell could hear what they were saying.

"I slipped Amortentia in their juice!"

"I paired them for every single project!"

"I- I- I did nothing, but I'm cool, so there!"

"Well, that didn't get Evans and Potter together, did it? I did, so pay up!"

There was a sound of clinking coins, and groaning. A short, stout, and blond woman came out, prancing away happily.

"Who would think that _Burbage_ of all people would get them together?"

"And she did it accidentally!"

"Well, do you think she could pull it off if it _wasn't_ accidentally?"

Realizing what this was about, Quirrell sighed.

Newton had made many laws, but there was a tenth barely anyone knew about.

Teachers should never play matchmaker.

AN: In the seventh book it says that Charity Burbage was the Muggle Studies teacher, just to let you know. And that actually happened to me. The whole exercise part.

(We DID NOT fall in love, thank you very much). A guy and I couldn't find partners, and were stuck with each other. He stroked my arm, I hit him. It was just WEIRD! (We don't normally mix, I'm a nerd, he's a, I don't know, but he's popular). I ended up saying that he looked nice in brown. Could I be any geekier?


End file.
